My Only Wish

 "Like it's true. Like I'm really with you."

              Today, I finished reading “A Walk to Remember” by Nicholas Sparks. I know it is Good Friday and that I should have reflected first before doing anything else but reading is my new way of calming my mind. And also, reading has been officially my new hobby, just not that sure if it’s only for summer because I don’t have anything to do though. My summer, as usual will just be all about getting a break- a much deserved one actually- sleep all day, awake all night thing. Anyways, after I finished reading the book, I am once again in some sort of hoping Jamie wasn’t sick with leukemia and that she should have lived and be with Landon and they grew old together and kind of stuffs like that. Yup! Like I always am, someone who thinks killing someone in the end of the story isn’t a good thing.

                And yes, I admit it, I am hopeless romantic! Something in my opinion is not that weird. I belong to a group of crazy girls who would joke around about being with Ed Westick or Chace Crawford or Penn Badgeley (well, that was just only me who likes Dan Humphrey :P) My life was actually normal, I guess. There are two people so close to me who said that my life was boring, a drunken friend and my eldest brother, both I am sure were just overwhelmed with the way I live my life. I am not that person who cares so much about what the people would think or say about me. I am not so spontaneous with how I speak or act though sometimes, or often than sometimes, I try to do random things. I don’t base my life on some planner- Monday to Sunday thing, with hours and list of place to go to. My cell phone’s calendar, however, is just filled with exam dates, birth dates that I actually remember but just listed there and I don’t know the reason why, but mostly, at least 80% of what’s listed on my calendar are reminders- bring this and that tomorrow kind of stuffs. I say things that I want and I am always like “Ba’t ako matatakot eh totoo naman.” I am that kind of person. I know it’s not that nice when I do that, especially if it’ll hurt others feelings. But my main and only reason why I say things and don’t really care about the people involved is because I don’t want to keep it to myself. That’s the thing I learned throughout my everyday living, if people can’t say what they feel and you can, then take the liberty of doing things that you are capable of. Keeping things to myself isn’t really who I am after all. Though I can keep secrets of other people I can’t keep mine. But that’s not the thing I am talking about. I pertain to my opinion about the things that are happening around me. I know it’s really hard to understand so just kill that part and forget about it.

                I am just like anybody else. Despite the fact that I am eighteen but I still dream about being with someone that will truly love me. And since I’ve already opened that topic, then I might just have to go on with it for the rest of this post.

                I dream of holding hands with him. I envy those couple who hold hands, especially when I am in a jeepney. Recently, just before summer break, I’ve seen a lot. Those scenes made me wonder if I’ll ever have the chance to experience that. I will be in my senior year in college next year. First semester will be all about my feasibility study, and then the next semester will be about OJT and preparing for graduation. I must confess, I dream of having someone whom I will eat lunch with and talk to during class breaks, someone who will help me do my school works or someone that will stay awake with me all night to support me with my school works by chatting with me through Facebook. I know it’s really crazy to say that. I want someone who will take me home or if he can’t, will be my text mate my entire trip home to keep me entertained. I dream of someone who will ask me how my day was even though I was just with him hours ago. And, of course, just like any other girls, I want someone who will give me flowers, chocolates, and stuff toys. I dream of someone who will ask me to go and see a movie with him. I want him to be someone I like and to be someone who likes me too. I want to hold hands with him. That’s what I want but not really sure if I’ll ever experience. I want someone who, in his own little ways, will make me feel special, not because I want to but because he loves to. I dream of receiving a bar of KitKat from him, attached to it is a note of how he feels about me and I will thank him for that. I dream of someone who will make me happy. I dream of someone who will consider me as his source of happiness. Above all, I want this person to be him.

                I took my usual siesta at about 2:30 this afternoon. I usually feel sleepy whenever I read. It is like some sort of my lullaby. So, I lie down, and fell asleep. It was a usual afternoon, the weather was really hot, and it’s a wet but hot summer anyways. Every one of us will have those weird dreams that will once bother us. I’ve read in some article that when you dream of something and you like to figure out what it’s all about, you should write it down and assess it. It also says that if you woke up on that point where you are about to reach the most exciting part, you must concentrate and try to sleep again. But no matter how scientists or knowledgeable people try to unlock the mystery. I am not even sure if there are profound studies about dreams. But I don’t want to take dreams that hard, the last thing I would like to do is to make things hard or complicated. So, back to my story, I dream of something so weird this afternoon, weird in a sense that I am really sure it just a dream. Yup, sadly, it was just a dream.

                I was on a bus with my high school friends and our third year adviser. We were on some sort of a field trip or something. I am sitting at the back and he’s sitting in the front, near the driver. The bus is just a small one, maybe it is what they call a mini bus. Beside me is Maycy (a college friend) then suddenly I am sitting between Lyben and Cla Cla (two of my high school best friends) I am sleeping as usual, a white pillow covered my face. I am not really in a deep sleep. I am half awake but not really paying that much attention. Then suddenly someone spoke on the microphone, the voice was like saying my complete name “Ann Marie Canoy” but since I am sleeping, I am not really sure if it’s me that the voice was addressing to. So I tapped the back of the person sitting on my left without looking thinking she’s the one who was being addressed. My eyes are still closed. Then Abbey was walking towards the back then gave me something, a pack of M&M’s, I said “Salamat. Dumating na pala Papa mo.” then opened my bag to put the M&M’s inside. I saw that there were two big bars of chocolate inside my bag. Then I told Lyben, “Ang dami ko naman atang chocolate.” Just when I was about to close the zipper of my bag, a voice from the front spoke again, “I love you, Ann Marie Canoy.” Everyone was laughing, then when I looked in front to see who said that, I saw him. Then suddenly, he is sitting right next to me. Everyone sitting in the back moved in front and emptied the seats just for us. Then when he gave me his lunchbox and when I opened it, inside was dinuguan (my favorite). We ate, then after eating, we hold hands. I was playing with his hands. Then hold hands again. Then I woke up. It was around 4:30 P.M.

                The feeling of waking up in the middle of a good dream is really frustrating. I know most people know the feeling. Just as when you were just about to experience the thing that you’ve been dreaming about, of course, in a dream. It’s like fulfilling a dream in your dreams. It was really drastic and disappointing, hoping at least for once I could finish a dream so I could be happy even just in my sub-conscious world. A world far from my reality, or might as well describe as a world entirely opposite of my real one. In my dreams, I am a princess. In my real world, I am just a face in the crowd, seldom given that attention. In my dreams, I could be anywhere I want. In my real world, I am bounded by my fears and agonies. In my dreams, I live for my future. In my real world, I am left behind, stuck on the past that keeps on making me think of the “what ifs and how about.” In my dreams, I am ecstatic and appease. In my real world, I am upset and miserable. In my dreams, I hold hands with you. In my real world, I jut stare at you from afar. Most of all, in my dreams, you’re with me and we love each other, but in my real world, you’re not with me and you don’t love me, not a bit, not even close to feeling the way that I wish you’ll feel about me. I dream it is you, I dream it is me.